It just happens to be one of those days. One of those days when I’m not too sure how to pin point it, but something is off. Sorting out what’s going on inside is too big a task and more than I have energy for. Stuck. That would be one way to describe it. Stuck in the middle of two different cultures, the one I come from (and will soon return to), and the one in which I’ve been living for a little over a year. Wedged in between the longing to be back amongst the people closest to me and a deep love for the dear ones I’ve come to know in this place. Remembering what life was like before I left the States and knowing it will be completely different when I return. I’m different too, caught navigating between past and future, but trying desperately to remain in the present.
With a certain amount of surety, I can call myself a pre-griever. July is about a month and a half away, but I’m experiencing the emotions tied to leaving as we speak. Moping around in a small market across the street this morning, I thought that I might possibly start crying right there in the snack isle. But it’s not only the sadness of leaving that I’m dealing with, it’s the yearning to be home, yet knowing that I’ll miss so many things about my life here when I’m gone. Why is it that our bodies can be in one location, with our hearts and minds flitting everywhere else?
Perhaps you’re feeling stuck between spaces, grappling with…
What you want to do and what you ought to do.
Wearing multiple hats, or performing multiple rolls.
A relationship that was good, but somehow has turned bad.
An addiction that you long to be free from.
Who you are and who people think you should be.
Confusion and hungering after clarity.
Illness and wondering if healing is possible.
Deep rooted pain that cries out for some kind of relief.
I don’t know what you’re wedged between. But I do know this. When a stone travels down stream with the current, it will more than likely get caught up in a few crevices along the way before it’s released back into the rush. While lodged in that crevice, water methodically moves across it, smoothing out the roughness and reshaping it for the journey up ahead. Maybe these interesting spaces we find ourselves in, these paradoxes and pressure points, are acting to smooth down the roughness, preparing us for the rush that is to come.
Just a thought.